Renew My Strength

But those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

~ Isaiah 40:31

It's the second day of 2009. I made a pact with myself, I shall take my prayer journal online this year. Been very lazy updating my personal handwritten prayer journal - not helped in anyway that my handwriting looks like werthyilwthesthese days.

Lord God - I'm standing on a cliff. I feel like I have two choices: I can stand here rooted, not moving, going nowhere fast; or I can jump and trust that You have prepared much better things for me beyond what my eye can see.

Vanilla was a great break. After five years of furious freelancing, spending time with my two older children, having time to do stuff with WMD and attempt to change lives - Vanilla came like a 13-month-long movie that I sat down to watch with a year's worth of popcorn and Diet Coke.

Taking a break can sometimes make you blinded and weak-kneed at the prospect of coming back out into the daylight.

But the Vanilla movie is over now, they're sweeping up the popcorn from the floor. I'm sitting in this seat kind of just raising my knees as the cleaners do their job - feeling like I should be leaving, but I'm so comfortable.

Who wouldn't be - monthly pay. Season parking. Transport and mobile allowances... nice gig. But the work - if that's what you can call it - the work is intermittent and the purpose opaque. My "calling" has long hung up on this one. And as far as I can tell, my bosses have no real plans for me, apart from plugging holes and fighting fires. I'm the Amah-On-Wheels, on call.

Not what God has purposed for me to do, and just this past week I have come to realise it. My God has this very gentle way of waking me up. Holy Spirit never shouts - He uses "dawning of realisation" to great effect. Very subtle and stylish.

Instead I am called to pick up my plough where I last left it. "My burden is easy, my yoke is light", said my Lord. I will do whatever He tells me. I just pray, He WILL tell me and I'm not so ear-waxed I cannot hear clearly.

Circumcise my heart Lord. Make it yours, consecrated, set apart for you. That in all I do, all that matters is Jesus. 

I go off today to 1) spend my last day off with my lovely spouse and buy the TV for our bedroom, 2) make my plans, 3) set goals with my kids, 4) set my own goals.

As Solomon asked for wisdom I also ask. But I ask for the heart of his father David - who, when he sinned, fell at your feet and asked forgiveness from you first. Forgive me for being so slow to obey. Thank You for Your patience and kindness. Thank You for asking me to trust You. 

I shall soar like an eagle, my youth shall be renewed. This is the year I get back in shape: spiritually, writerly, physically.

Love you Lord.

T